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Old 09-14-2008, 11:54 PM
Serenity (Ren)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Default Six months later.

Eclipse will have passed away exactly six months ago on the 20th. It's not that I think about her constantly, but every now and then I remember her sweet baby chirp that woke me up in the morning. I remember how she was so smart and figured out how to get out of her crate so she could sit on the window sill and look outside. I remember how her favorite place to sleep was under my hair at the back of my neck.

I remember how I met her for the first time: I was standing near her cage, and she clung to the side of it and chirped at me... I let her out and she jumped onto my leg. I picked her up and she lay down in my hand and started grinding her beak. The boyfriend I was with when I brought her home even loved her almost as much as I did. He was watching TV one night and he held her all night just because she wanted to sleep in his hand. (He even woke me up once because he thought her beak grinding was a bad noise.)

I don't know when I'm going to get over her. I cry when I think about it because I'm positive that I didn't do enough for her and the guilt is killing me. I could have taken her to the vet a day or two sooner, and I could have gone to get her medicine myself. (Instead her medicine wasn't finished until I had moved across the country, my boyfriend had to go get it, and he didn't mail it to me in time.) I could have taken her to the vet when I moved here right away so they could get her medicine here, too, but I was worried about cost because our move was so much money and the avian vet was so far away. She was on Baytril and Flagyl but the vet in Calgary TOLD me she wouldn't make it without the specific medicine but she was doing so well, I thought she'd be able to hold out until I had it... at the same time, the vet also told me her chances of living were 50-50, but I always had the feeling that she'd be the one to make it.

The morning she died, I remember hearing her chirping in the morning. When I got out of bed, she was still warm but she was already gone. It's all my fault.

I've lost a lot of pets before, but I don't think I've ever been so devastated over one like I am with Eclipse. It's hard to believe I only had her for one single month.

Anyway. I know quite a few people are feeling the losses of their budgies that passed just recently and I don't mean to come asking to for shared sympathy because I got that when Eclipse passed in March, but I really believe the people on this forum are the only ones who will ever be able to understand the amount of sadness I'm feeling.

I couldn't sleep for hours last night because the guilt kept me awake and crying. I was speaking to someone today and only mentioned it briefly and started up again. And of course, I'm crying again now.

So I was just wondering... is there anything I can do to feel better about it? I don't think I'll ever be completely guilt-free about the situation, but maybe one day I'll be able to properly accept it.

There is only ONE thing that comforts me -- and I was going to save this story for the anniversary of her passing, but since I'm already talking about her, I may as well tell it now. When I was burying Eclipse in the garden, I stood up quickly right after and a mourning dove flew out of the tree next to me. I don't believe in coincidence, so I've always sort of thought of it as a "sign" that she was finally at peace.

She may be in peace (and continue to rest as such, sweet girl) but I'm not... Call me selfish, but I just want her to be with me again. She hardly got a chance at life.