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Old 09-14-2016, 08:36 PM
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Default Goodbye my baby boy

I've waited for almost 3 weeks now to post this since it's been so hard, but my 1.5 year old baby bird Kokos had to be put to sleep due to a cancer tumor. It all happened in a matter of two weeks and at first the vet said to treat him for an infection, which turned out to be the tumor.

I honestly don't know how to move on from this. The images of his last days of suffering keeps reappearing in my mind. When the antibiotics didn't work after 5 days, and his legs started giving in and he kept threwing up food without any energy (these were by far the hardest parts), we knew the pain was too much for him, even on pain reducive meds and had to make the tough choice.
I can't get those images out of my head. It's haunting me and I feel nauseous and get severe stomach pains. It just hurts so badly.

Right from the moment I met Kokos I knew he would become the most gentle little bird I've ever come across. I spent so much time with him that I quickly got him hand tame and soon tame enough to hang around on my shoulder and head around the house. He even followed me into the bathroom every time I took a shower, chirping happily. He loved to look outside the windows whenever I took him out to the balcony. He always seemed so peaceful.
Sometimes he liked to fool around and hang upside down on our laundry or (try to) attack plants he had no business in.
I always got to cuddle him and put my chin and nose against him, sometimes even my fingers. He slept on my shoulders alot.
The last month of his life was the first and only 2 times he flew to me on purpose. That's when our bonding got the strongest.

It's all so cruel. I love him so much it hurts my very being still today and I expected at least the avarage 8 years with him, since my earlier bird since a few years back lived to 10 1/2.

I'm so thankful I got to spend this time with him and give him the most wonderful life even if it was a short one.
I just don't know how to handle the pain. Some days I think it's fine and then all of a sudden an image flashes by and my heart aches so bad. I just feel like breaking down gasping for air. It's hard to believe such a small animal from such a short time could cause so much despair, but when I love a pet I give it my all - and my dear, gentle, absolutely perfect little Kokos was more special than any other pet due to his loving, curious and gentle nature.

It all happened so quickly and I just wish I could forget the last two weeks of forcefeeding him meds all for nothing. I wish I would've known oh god it feels like a can't breathe, I just feel like I want to rip out my hair and scream at moments like this. This has got to be the rawest of human emotion and I miss him so dearly it hurts to the core.

I don't know why but it feels like we were meant to be together. We were a team.

I'm sorry for the long post but I just had to finally put all my heart ache into words for the sake of my own sanity. I hope this will help me to move on.
Thank you for taking your time to read this, it means a lot.