Hello everyone, bit of a long post I'm afraid, I did join this site around a year ago but have never posted before, only referred to for advice. Sadly my first post is not a good one.
I had my gorgeous budgie Barbie for 9 years and 2 months. Yesterday I had to make the heartbreaking decision to have her put to sleep. I have very recently moved out and was unable to take her with me, so she stayed settled and happy where she has been for the last 2 years with the people I was living with before who love her too. I popped round my old house as usual, and wandered in the room with my usual "Hello Barbie" and I heard no noise, instantly panicking and my heart started racing as I couldn't see her in the cage or hear her moving. I got closer and wanted to scream in shock when I saw her sat in the bottom corner, I initially thought she was dead. I looked at her and saw she was shaking, opening and closing her eyes as if she was in pain, drooping her head and not moving or flying. Normally when you go anyway within 2 metres of her she flaps/squawks and moves around. Nothing happened, and I called down my friend in panic to ask what to do. My first instinct was to cuddle her, stroke her and mother her if this was her last moments. I didn't straight away as I was unsure if simply picking her up would cause her too much stress and cause her to pass away. I did pick her up and she seemed quite happy to be picked up, usually she never lets any kind of human contact happen whatsoever. So by then I was terrified as I knew this was completely the opposite of how she usually acts. I went and sat down with her and she was just shivering, opening and closing her eyes and had a big lump on her bottom with bright green watery liquid oozing out. She hadn't eaten or drank for days despite attempting to give her millet etc, which she adores. I spent about 10 minutes holding her waiting for her to squawk at me and fly off but nothing, so my friend phoned the vet and I took her in. She has been ill before and it has always sorted itself out within a few days of love and care, so even at this point I didn't want to take her to the vets as I was terrified she would be put down.
Even the vet was extremely shocked at how she didn't do anything when handled, it was almost like holding a lifeless bird already. We had a good discussion and Barbie had a little examination and the vet believed it was septicemia or an infection in the air sacs. Her breathing was very crackly and she was breathing heavily one minute and extremely shallow and raspy the next. Barbie had also lost a lot of weight. The vet explained as it had been going on for longer than 48 hours the chances of survival were extremely slim and trying to feed her antibiotics could kill her from the stress anyway. The only other option was to take her to an avian specialist, but as it was already past closing time, the specialist was hours away and she really didn't look like she had much longer left. After chats about the likelihood of survival I had to do something I never ever thought I'd do in a million years and sign the consent form to have her put to sleep. This is the last thing I wanted to do, but I wanted her pain to be over as soon as possible and not have her suffer anymore. Both my friend and the vet also agreed it was the best thing to do. I believe she may have been having a stroke after reading another post on here. Barbie's eyes would go wide open, her body would tighten up, and she would shake, then it would stop and she would relax and close her eyes again. Every time she closed her eyes I thought that was it. I spent a few minutes alone with her in the vets to comfort her and say goodbye, but she fell off my lap in the process causing me to become hysterical. I kissed her and put her in the box for the vet to take her, as she opened the door and took Barbie away I felt my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. The vet said it would be about 5 minutes but it felt like a lifetime before she re-appeared with the box. I couldn't deal with it, took her home and sat in the garden cradling her unable to bury her, my friend pretty much had to persuade me to let go. So we wrapped her in some pretty pink material and tissue in a box and made a little grave for her and said some prayers.
I felt horrendous deciding when an animal should live or die, and downright evil, but in my heart I knew she was dying. I felt as if I was sending her to a gas chamber and it torments me that I couldn't go in and be with her to her last moments, and they had to be with a stranger. I kept looking at her willing her to get up and fly or squawk or do anything, even when I was cradling her when she was dead. My heart was literally torn out yesterday. I couldn't help but think "but what if" "what if i did this" or "did i do this wrong" "did i make the wrong decision". I hope someone on here will understand somehow how I feel. Barbie was like a human to me she was so important. She was actually part of me. The 9 years I had her, she helped me through so many dark times, from being suicidal after being beaten by my mum and stepdad, she was always there always listening and never judging. She was the one I went to and I talked to and cried to when I was beaten at school and beaten at home. I feel totally lost without her now, completely and utterly. My entire life I have always had a budgie and I got Barbie when I was 11 years old. I'm 20 now, (21 in a few weeks). Before Barbie I had Bluey another very much loved budgie. Barbie was my rock, I grew up with her and she helped me through everything. Even my recent suicidal thoughts and feelings.
I just wanted to post to say thank you for everything my absolute princess, I will never ever forget you, you're part of me and have always and will always be loved unconditionally. Thank you for all the nice memories we have together. I never can replace you and I hope you're up with the other budgies and your brother Ken resting and happy. I hope I made the right decision and you don't hate me for it.
I hope that this post doesn't upset anyone, I just needed to pay my respects in a vocal way (be it over the computer). I hope someone understands and I feel that on here is the best place to post about my little angel.
Rest in peace Barbie, you will be forever missed and loved.
here's a few pictures of her taken through various parts of her life.