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Serenity 09-14-2008 11:54 PM

Six months later.
Eclipse will have passed away exactly six months ago on the 20th. It's not that I think about her constantly, but every now and then I remember her sweet baby chirp that woke me up in the morning. I remember how she was so smart and figured out how to get out of her crate so she could sit on the window sill and look outside. I remember how her favorite place to sleep was under my hair at the back of my neck.

I remember how I met her for the first time: I was standing near her cage, and she clung to the side of it and chirped at me... I let her out and she jumped onto my leg. I picked her up and she lay down in my hand and started grinding her beak. The boyfriend I was with when I brought her home even loved her almost as much as I did. He was watching TV one night and he held her all night just because she wanted to sleep in his hand. (He even woke me up once because he thought her beak grinding was a bad noise.)

I don't know when I'm going to get over her. I cry when I think about it because I'm positive that I didn't do enough for her and the guilt is killing me. I could have taken her to the vet a day or two sooner, and I could have gone to get her medicine myself. (Instead her medicine wasn't finished until I had moved across the country, my boyfriend had to go get it, and he didn't mail it to me in time.) I could have taken her to the vet when I moved here right away so they could get her medicine here, too, but I was worried about cost because our move was so much money and the avian vet was so far away. She was on Baytril and Flagyl but the vet in Calgary TOLD me she wouldn't make it without the specific medicine but she was doing so well, I thought she'd be able to hold out until I had it... at the same time, the vet also told me her chances of living were 50-50, but I always had the feeling that she'd be the one to make it.

The morning she died, I remember hearing her chirping in the morning. When I got out of bed, she was still warm but she was already gone. It's all my fault.

I've lost a lot of pets before, but I don't think I've ever been so devastated over one like I am with Eclipse. It's hard to believe I only had her for one single month.

Anyway. I know quite a few people are feeling the losses of their budgies that passed just recently and I don't mean to come asking to for shared sympathy because I got that when Eclipse passed in March, but I really believe the people on this forum are the only ones who will ever be able to understand the amount of sadness I'm feeling.

I couldn't sleep for hours last night because the guilt kept me awake and crying. I was speaking to someone today and only mentioned it briefly and started up again. And of course, I'm crying again now. :(

So I was just wondering... is there anything I can do to feel better about it? I don't think I'll ever be completely guilt-free about the situation, but maybe one day I'll be able to properly accept it.

There is only ONE thing that comforts me -- and I was going to save this story for the anniversary of her passing, but since I'm already talking about her, I may as well tell it now. When I was burying Eclipse in the garden, I stood up quickly right after and a mourning dove flew out of the tree next to me. I don't believe in coincidence, so I've always sort of thought of it as a "sign" that she was finally at peace.

She may be in peace (and continue to rest as such, sweet girl) but I'm not... Call me selfish, but I just want her to be with me again. She hardly got a chance at life.

pal0m1n0 09-15-2008 01:15 AM

I don't think the guilt ever really goes, you just learn to live with it and learn from the experience so you don't do it again. I expect the feelings of guilt don't make it any easier to move on, but you have to believe you did your best under the circumstances. Hugs.

Pippin's mom 09-15-2008 01:35 AM

Aww..(((Serenity))) I'm in tears reading this too. Eclipse was special..I don't know exactly what it was , but I was very drawn to Eclipse. I remember when she was sick and i too really felt she was going to make it and I prayed for her a lot. I was so sad when she didn't make it and felt so bad for you with all you two had been through.:( I still feel some sadness whenever I see her pic..she was such a sweetie..that sweet little face.:)

Really, I think you were doing what you thought best at the time.:) We can always look back and say if only I had done this or that, but I know you love your babies and you were doing the best you could. I know about guilt and a lot you do eventually learn to live with , but it can still be hard when something triggers it.

You love Eclipse and you took very good care of her and you did your best ..that's all we can do.:) Don't be so hard on yourself. I like what you shared about the Dove.:)

Will 09-15-2008 02:13 AM

I'm sorry about Eclipse :(

pal0m1n0 is right, guilt never really goes away completly.

BubusMommy 09-15-2008 02:53 AM

What you are feeling is normal. I still think about the budgies i had when i was only 8 years old, and about how very little knowledge i had when I first found them. I still feel so guilty for not feeding them millets, for not knowing what kinds of fruits and veggies to feed them other than rommaine lettuce, for not offering them high quality seeds, for not giving them toys and outside flight time---for never getting them each their own swing to sleep on when they fought every night for the 1 swing we had....

they both died after less than 1 year of me having them... first Nick passed away, then my other budgie Baby who used to fight with him like crazy, died of sadness a month later... I never realized that they both died because of the lack of responsiblity and knowledge i had...when Nick passed away i was devasted, and then when Baby was in pain and died after Nick i was devasted even more... they had poor nutrition and were probably sick for all i knew....

i'm now 26 and i still think about them a with BuBu & Chik I spoil them so much...

all i know is that I loved them both so much and it hurt so bad i cried for months after...

and writing this makes me tear up but you know what... I know now that that experience has taught me a valuable lesson.... i'll never take my budgies health for granted ever again... and i know that you wont either....

you said Serenity had a white dove fly ......i think that was a sign.... she wanted you to know that she was flying... to budgie heaven and is safe....

i think that you will never really forget about serenity ... all you can do is hold close those fond memories of her.... and with your current budgies.... you will love them dearly like the way you did with Serenity...

*hugs* i hope this helps...
we have our budgies now....and life goes on... we will do our best in raising them by being on this forum...jus remember that we're all here for you..

I love my BuBu&Chik and will do everything I can to take the best care of them..

aka.pody 09-15-2008 06:44 PM

I'm glad you shared your story with us. It must have been very hard for you.
The grief lessens but the guilt never goes away.
You mentioned that the people on this forum are probably the only ones who truly understand how you feel, and I must agree with you.
Since I have been on this forum I have found myself being more compasionate about everything in life. There's something about sharing little pieces of your life with these wonderful people that makes that all possible. Thank you for sharing yours with us.
We understand your feelings. Eclipse will always be in your heart.

tweeti 09-18-2008 12:13 AM

I'm so sorry... Chuchu has been gone for about 2 years and I still miss him so much.. :crying2: He was my first budgie and lived for three wonderful years, :crying: I felt very guilty for two years until now, because I know I gave Chuchu everything I could and more, :sad3: whenever you feel guilty just remember all the fun times you've had and remember that you did all you could.

tweeti 09-18-2008 12:14 AM

The guilt sometimes does pass but even more sadness takes its place. :(

missmadison 09-18-2008 11:30 AM

Its natural to feel guilty I suppose and wonder 'what if' but it sounds like you cared so much for Eclipse. We all learn as we go...just as long as we try our best. Maybe you will have another little bird to care for sometime and with what you've learned and how much you care, I'm sure you would be such a great parent!

lamagdalena 09-18-2008 12:45 PM

I am so sorry, my eyes are teary reading your post. I wasn't a member 6 months ago but I do remember seeing your signature when I first became one and being drawn to beautiful Eclipse.

I don't know what to say to make your guilt go away, I don't know if anyone can but I will say that she was very lucky to have you in her life, even for that short of a period. and I don't given the chance she would have chosen another owner.
When someone we love passes I have learned that sadly the pain never goes away but you do learn to live it so that it doesn't choke you up every single time you think about them.

I don't know you very well but I want to send you a humongous <<HUG>>

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