You were my friend, my buddy, my sweetest, most intelligent cockatiel I've ever had. You were my first cockatiel.
You had so much in you. You understood so much, you were so smart. Your eyes followed me everywhere, and you understood everything.
And you cared for everyone. When Boo Boo passed away, you took everyone else under your wing. You cared for them the way Boo Boo taught you.
I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be happy and healthy, pain free. I sent you away for surgery to make you feel better. Instead, you went to sleep. And now you're gone, and I miss you. Max and Junior and Zucko miss you, and they don't even know.
You were perfectly healthy. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU for you to pass away. You were so young, only four.
And I left you there. I made the decision for your surgery. I shouldn't have. If I hadn't, you'd still be here. Even with the mass, you would have lived for years. But that's not what I did.
You went to sleep on a cold, metal table. I wish I was there to comfort you. No! I wish I never took you there in the first place.
I am so sorry you lost your tiel during his surgery... But you need to not beat yourself up so badly, you sent him on to surgery to help him live a better life... You had no way of knowing the outcome... Sometimes a bird just cannot handle the stress of surgery or there may of been some health problem that was not seen. You made your decision out of love!! He may of ruptured his tumour and bled to death without the surgery... Sometimes there is no right answer and things just suck... Do not blame yourself, instead remember all the good times and the good things about your Ben.
I know it's hard, but you made a good decision out of love. You said yourself that the tumor would keep growing. At my job, I see people all the time who decided against surgery and then their birds come in with ulcerated tumors that have been banged up against the cage or toys or severe bruises, even fractures, from crashing to the ground because their tumors got so heavy. Or they chew the tumors to try to clean themselves. Or instead of tumor removal, we are now discussing wing amputation. All of these things are painful ways to live and suffer through. Dying under anesthesia isn't the worst way to go. I know his passing wasn't the outcome you wanted, but it's not your fault. And I hope, with some time, you can see that. You were a great and responsible owner and you love your bird. So sorry he's gone, but you should know you did your best, dear.
You guys are right. I shouldn't blame myself. The main reason I decided on the surgery to happen now was because the mass would just keep growing. I felt that if I had waited, the surgery would have been even riskier. Who knows what would have happened. Ben was already unable to fly because of it. Waiting would have just caused unnecessary suffering. If he wasn't able to survive the surgery while this healthy, then there's no way he would have survived it later on. I guess I can try to find some comfort knowing that Ben wasn't as healthy as we all thought he was, and that there was no perfect solution. In the end, maybe this was the best outcome even if the best isn't really that great.